BREAKING NEWS! NARG AND AL'THOR BURY THE HATCHET!

BREAKING NEWS! NARG AND AL'THOR BURY THE HATCHET!

It's amazing what a few ales can do. Former agent of the Shadow, Narg T. Trolloc and Emond's Field shepherd Rand Al'Thor reportedly set aside their former feud and enjoyed a night on the town last week. During the long night of drinking, dicing and trying bad pick-up lines on the barmaids at a Caemlyn sports bar, both Narg and Al'Thor came to the realization that they never wanted to fight in the first place. It turns out Narg was just delivering a message from his overly-pushy manager and had just worked a double-shift without a cookpot break, while Al'Thor apologized for killing the Trolloc with a sword he did not have a license to carry.

Narg went on to say, "Narg didn't want hurt Boy. Boy didn't mean stab Narg to death. Narg learn Rand fan of Rams too. Us watch game. Pick up chicks. Narg like Boys Night!"

AES SEDAI RAISE CHICKEN TO AMYRLIN SEAT!

After the controversial removal of Amyrlin Seat Siuan Sanche by insurgents whipped up by Red sister Elaida do'Avriny a'Rohan, and the subsequent disaster of her narcissistic reign as Amyrlin, the Sitters of the Hall have gotten desperate. In lieu of a human, which has always been the tradition of the Tower, albeit a racist one, the Aes Sedai have chosen to raise poultry. And not for food...

No, they raised a chicken to the Amyrlin Seat. Reportedly, after the Keeper of the Chronicles called for silence, she intoned the traditional announcement,

"She comes! She comes! Eggwene Al'Vere, the Watcher of the Seals, the Flame of Tar Valon, the Amyrlin Seat!"

The chicken, Eggwene (with TWO G's) was apparently not interested in being raised, and jumped off the Seat, pursuing a cricket in the chamber. No comment from the Hall of the Tower, who likely have their feathers ruffled after the incident.

"THE TWO RIVERS CAN WAIT!"

After a twenty year search for the prophesied Dragon Reborn and her final arrival in the backwater district of the Two Rivers in far western Andor, Aes Sedai Moiraine Damodred made a swift U-turn on the bank of the Tarendrelle River after she remembered she left pizza in the oven. As she sped back to Tar Valon, a watching farmer asked her why she doesn't just have a new pizza delivered. She reportedly called back, "You fool! It's not delivery! It's DiJiorno!"

TWO RIVERS TRICKSTER HIRES WANDERING SELL-SWORD TO FIND LOST BADGER

A traveling mercenary and hunter, one Geralt of Rivia, has seen his business dry up recently, it seems. The once famous warrior from the far kingdom of Net'flicks has taken up the job of recovering the lost badger of one Matrim Cauthon, a disreputable young farm boy and prankster from Emond's Field.

When asked why finding a badger was so important to him, Cauthon confessed that he had set up a blind date for Elisa Al'Vere, his friend's older sister. Cauthon replied with a rakish grin, "I have a lot of coin riding on that date!"

And that does it for this week's news. If you don't believe it, YOU'RE A DARKFRIEND!

The Weekly Wheel News is a #wheeloftime inspired project by Rob Christianson, a designer and art director based in the Pacific Northwest. As a comedic weekly satire of the old supermarket tabloid Weekly World News and Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, "The Paper" (as it is affectionately known in inner circles) is Randland's ONLY Reliable News Source... and if you don't believe that, YOU'RE A DARKFRIEND! The WWN continues to entertain thanks to the generous donations of its Patreon supporters. If you would like to help bring news (and laughter) to the fans of the Wheel of Time, please consider joining us at Patreon.com/WWN. Support at any level is appreciated. Tai'shar Manetheren.

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