WWN 3-27: Jealous Lanfear Snubbed Again!

BREAKING NEWS! JEALOUS LANFEAR SNUBBED AGAIN! Daughter of the Night makes the cover of "Entertainment Weekly", but fans only care about Moiraine & Company!

Fans have once again given the Daughter of the Night short shrift, it seems. Despite her efforts to be the most beautiful woman who has ever lived, the Forsaken Lanfear has once again been forced to play second string to her rival, Aes Sedai Moiraine Damodred and her band of clueless teenagers. Constantly the jilted lover, the model and one-time fling of the Dragon Lews Therin Telamon, Lanfear finally made the cover of Entertainment Weekly, only to be soundly ignored by every Wheel of Time fan. EW reports that sales were through the roof on the September issue, but not because of it's Chosen cover girl. Fans only wanted to see the first photos of the cast in full costume, and again Lanfear is flaming mad. Our reporters have learned that she is on her way to the docks of Tear to settle the score once and for all...

(Photo: Halle Berry as Lanfear, scowling and dressed in a billowy white gown, holds a basket containing the September issue of Entertainment Weekly with her on the cover)

AMYRLIN STILLED FOR ESTABLISHING WHITE TOWER MASK MANDATE!

After complying with the sound advice from Yellow Sitters and sisters everywhere, Amyrlin Seat Siuan Sanche has mandated masks be worn at all times within the White Tower, to stem the spread of the pandemic. Elaida Sedai, misinformed as usual, along with a bare minimum of Sitters she had cowed into following her anti-vaxxing stance, reportedly confronted Sanche and stripped her of her stole. Elaida is reported as having said, "You Blues will believe anything! You were never fit for this anyways." The new Amyrlin Seat was unavailable for comment, as she is reportedly in bed with a fever and cannot taste her tea.

(Photo: Sophie Okonedo as Siuan Sanche)

(Art: Elaida and Tar Valon, both by Mark S. Miller. Elaida is wearing a red "Make the Tower Great Again" cap.)

GHEALDAN ZOO EXPANDS TO ADD HUMANS!

Reporters have learned that to boost lower-than-average ticket sales to its menagerie, the crown of Ghealdan is working with the Red Ajah, now practicing a "catch and release" approach to male channelers - but not before allowing ample humiliation by taking the display of "caging" to new heights. Menagerie owner Valan Luca is ecstatic over the news, and has already added one "Logain Ablar", a False Dragon who recently sparked a war in the country, to his "Grand Traveling Show and Magnificent Display of Marvels and Wonders". When asked to comment on whether this violated Logain's human rights, Luca evaded the question, instead proclaiming "Come see the Dragon-Man!". The queen of Ghealdan has been unavailable to comment.

(Photo: Alvaro Morte as Logain, caged and furious, with Bruce Campbell as Luca holding a cache of gold while beckoning you to come see)

MIN'S NIGHT ON THE TOWN! The parties! The princes! What DOESN'T the Dragon know?

Paparazzi hot on the trail of one "Elmindreda Farshaw" have spotted the close personal friend to the Dragon Reborn heading out for a night of dancing and partying. She has reportedly already received marriage proposals from two rival princes who have challenged each other for her hand. As rumors of war between the Two Princes' kingdoms escalate, "Min" as she prefers to be called, has reportedly fled to the White Tower for shelter. When asked about the two princes, she only commented "One has diamonds in his pocket. The other wants to buy me rockets." More on this story as it develops.

(Photo: Kae Alexander as Min, dressed to the nines)

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The Weekly Wheel News is a #wheeloftime inspired project by Rob Christianson, a designer and art director based in the Pacific Northwest. As a comedic weekly satire of the old supermarket tabloid Weekly World News and Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, "The Paper" (as it is affectionately known in inner circles) is Randland's ONLY Reliable News Source... and if you don't believe that, YOU'RE A DARKFRIEND! The WWN continues to entertain thanks to the generous donations of its Patreon supporters. If you would like to help bring news (and laughter) to the fans of the Wheel of Time, please consider joining us at Patreon.com/WWN. Support at any level is appreciated. Tai'shar Manetheren.

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